She’s acting crazy. She’s scared all the time. She cannot stop talking about what was done to her. (You will never hear me say “what happened to her” because it did not just happen – someone did it to her.) She hates him. She overreacts to everything. She seems so calm on the outside; I guess it could not have been that bad. Well, it’s not like he physically hit her (this one is my favorite!). I don’t like talking to her because she cannot talk about anything else.

Have you been the “she” they are talking about? Have you been the one thinking exactly these thoughts about someone? The truth is HER life has been touched by TRAUMA. That sounds poetic; it has a nice little ring to it – and as an onlooker you can choose to make a mere observation of her behavior OR you can choose to recognize it for what it is – TRAUMA RESPONSE Then, you can take it a step further and choose to let your life be touched by her trauma. You can choose to make a difference.

Typical responses a trauma victim gets from those in their circle are as follows:

• Friends and Pastors think their primary responsibility is to bring about reconciliation when in fact their primary instincts should be protective.  
• Many think you should be able to just move on; and if you do not move on, they will move on; true friends will stay the course.
• Some accuse you of not being able to forgive; in doing so they fail to give you the opportunity to express your own anguish at what you have endured.
• Some insinuate you hate a person enough to want to inflict suffering and pain on them; this denies you any validation of the suffering and pain inflicted upon you.
• Some say, you must be glad he is dead or in jail, because you get to live your life; what they fail to realize is that your life has forever been scarred by the trauma imposed upon you. 

Trauma and the Brain

Trauma changes you; it changes your brain. It is your trauma-influenced brain that now determines your behavior. Your brain stores trauma as memories and then brings these memories back to the surface constantly – every time you hear a similar sound, or when you smell a certain smell, or when you hear certain words. It takes over your subconscious and alters your sleep patterns. Things that most people and your pre-traumatized self may have seen as impotent and insignificant, now become active threats because your brain interprets them as such. Yes, you think you are losing your mind. Yes it appears you are overreacting. Yes, you are constantly in a state of high alert.

The amygdala of your brain is your “fire-alarm”; when you live in a prolonged state of constant fear and threat, that trauma is constantly triggering the fire alarm in your brain; after a while, the fire alarm cannot distinguish between real threats and perceived threats. (Hence, the overreacting!)

The hippocampus of your brain is your “learning center”; it starts to shrink when you are living in a state of prolonged fear and threat. This is why you struggle to remember, and process information long after you have walked away from the threat.

The prefrontal cortex is your “decision-making” center; it allows you to take a rational look at your current situation and formulate conclusions which govern your action. When you live in a prolonged state of fear and threat, your prefrontal cortex shuts down, thus rendering you incapable of making decisions for yourself. This is a gift to the abuser because now he has you where he wants you; he can tell you what to think. This explains why many victims do not leave; the constant abuse turns them into puppets unable to think for themselves or protect themselves.

Step In & Step Up

If you understand these things about anyone who has endured a season of trauma whether it be caused by a catastrophic event or prolonged abuse, you will recognize the need for you to STEP IN & STEP UP on their behalf. You will not believe the perpetrator’s lies about his victim just being “bat-shit crazy” or “abusive”; instead you will choose to step in and protect her. You could, of course, choose to look the other way and pretend that it does not concern you.

I know this for a fact, there will be some – not many but a few is enough – who will step up and protect you. If we have an epidemic of domestic violence related trauma in this country it is because men who ought to SPEAK UP & STEP UP, instead choose to be silent and not get involved. I will forever be thankful for those who chose to be real men and offer their protection and their friendship in many different ways. For those who chose to make an overwhelming statement to the predator that I was not alone and had men who would protect me. While predators hide in churches, there are also strong men who take upon themselves the mantle of protector and step up to the task. They are not afraid to get involved; they will not allow a trauma victim to hide in the shadows because the perpetrator spreads innuendo and false accusations about her. They do not just choose to ignore what is going on and cover their ears saying, “I do not want to hear anything bad because I only want to believe what is good about a person”; No. These men ask pointed questions. They listen to allegations from both parties and put them in historical context. They look for patterns of behavior. They applaud her for being brave enough to leave. They STEP IN & STEP UP. That is being like Jesus.

Touch the Hem of Jesus’ Robe

Remember the woman with the issue of blood for 12 years? She was ignored and ostracized because her “issue” did not just go away. She was avoided by all who saw her because she was tainted by her “issue”. She was alone and abandoned because her “issue” was her constant companion; it tormented her in her sleep and in her waking moments; it doggedly followed her everywhere she went; it consumed her thoughts; it dictated her actions; it tore her down; it brought her to her knees. And it was there when she was on her knees that she crawled through the ocean of legs of people flocking around Jesus. She weaved her way to reach and touch the hem of His robe; in an instant she was healed of her “issue”.

To you, the woman with the “issue” of TRAUMA, I say – do not lose hope. There is much you have endured; sadly not many will step up to protect you. Many will choose to avoid you. Many will not want to hear your story anymore. But, keep telling it until you have found your healing. I pray that you will find the few you need to protect you and be your friend. I pray that as you wade through the throngs of people who follow Jesus, but fail to see you, that you will find your way; that you will get close enough to TOUCH the hem of His robe.

For I know for certain that when you have been TOUCHED by TRAUMA, you will find your healing in Him; it may be a while before you can get close enough to TOUCH the hem of His robe. But when you do, you will be healed. Let your story continue to be a testament to God’s faithfulness to you. Let it be a shining light on an issue that is largely ignored by Christ-followers (not Christ Himself). Let not anyone muzzle you for speaking the truth about how you, as a daughter of God, ought to be treated. Pick up your torch of TRIUMPH over TRAUMA and run the course of your life proclaiming this truth – the one big reason some of these issues persist in our society and in our churches is because not enough people are man enough to step up and challenge the perpetrator of such evil.

Know this – when Jesus looks upon you He feels compassion and tenderness; and He feels outrage at what you have had to endure. He will not look the other way. He will not ignore you expecting you to “get over it”; He will carry you through your journey of healing and He will mete out justice on all who strike at His own.

“And He said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.”

Luke 8:48