It would be normal for those who have not endured intense and complicated grief from the loss of a spouse to not understand why grief seems to linger through a life-time. With the passage of time, memories of your loved one should have diminished – they do get fuzzier partly because you make a practice of ‘not remembering’. Some take consolation in remembering and reliving memories, others feel a sharp, stabbing pain every time they remember. Remembering brings your loved one back to life figuratively speaking. Some take comfort in this while others struggle with the reminder that this person is only alive in their imagination and memories. Remembering is not for everyone. Yet, forgetting is never an option. Every fiber of your being has been accustomed to doing life with this special someone. Even as you adapt to their absence, everything within you cries out for just a few moments with them again.

As the years go by, we feel less traumatized by the sweet memories – “once upon a time” does not conjure romantic notions but rather a painful reminder that your life with your spouse is indeed in the past, never to be lived again until you meet in eternity. You learn to come to terms with that reality. It does not get easier but your coping skills improve. Anniversaries, birthdays, special holidays – they always have a way of making you reminisce. You miss that special someone but you have learned that missing him is just a normal part of your existence now. So the anticipation of those moments is not as stressful as it used to be; you remind yourself that you have survived these events before and you will survive them again.

But then, what about those once in a life-time events that are momentous? Those events where you would be celebrating together the marriage of a child or the birth of a grand-child – they have a way of piercing right through your heart. The absence of the father/mother of the bride or the new grandpa/grandma is felt with every bit of planning for the momentous day. His/her absence is so tangible and real that it mars the beauty and joy of the anticipated celebration. It is a reality you cannot get around and yet cannot wrap your head around it either. Despite having navigated grief in so many other spheres of life, this now is uncharted territory.  

Dad would have loved to see you as a bride or as a new mom. Dad would have loved to have this first dance at your wedding. Dad would have loved to walk down the aisle with you. You grieve together with the child who has lost her dad. The pain you felt at the very beginning strikes with eerily familiar intensity. This is yet another wave of grief you will learn to navigate.

And so it goes on…every season in life that should have been celebrated with your spouse is now experienced with a mixture of joy and sadness. You can picture how different it would be if he was here; how much more celebration there would be if the darkness of grief did not cast its shadow on your happy day. And yet, it is your grief that allows him to be present even if only in your imagination. It allows you to cry in the midst of your laughter. It beckons you to remember a good husband and a good dad. Grief is a part of every season. Grief, however, is there for a very strong reason – it is a constant reminder of a love that is no more, a life that was lived together through the trials and triumphs of life, a hope for the future that once lived in our dreams together and now has to be celebrated without you. As they say, “Grief is the price you pay for having loved someone so deeply.”  Loving your beloved spouse is worth every painful moment of grief you endure as you navigate every season of life alone.

Shine on in our lives and in our memories; burn brightly in our hearts forever.

Song of Solomon 8:6

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

Dedicated to the memory of my husband as we anticipate the marriage of our first-born.