For better or for worse; for richer or for poorer; until death do us part…these words are not to be taken lightly. Many of us do not take them lightly.  We recognize them as a covenant made between two people and God. In this blog post, we will dive deeper into what submission, respect, and love should look like in the context of a marriage.

WIVES, SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”

Ephesians 5:22-23

We’ve heard sermons preached on marriage and submission. We’ve heard arguments about what that submission looks like. The truth is, when a man takes on Christ-like leadership of his family, it is not difficult to follow his leadership. When he recognizes that your opinion carries weight because he is not an infallible creature like Christ, that his motives can be questioned and challenged because selfishness and self-centeredness creep into all of us, and that his wife is his partner in life not his adversary or serf, then it is not difficult at all to submit to such leadership. When a man sees his leadership role as a position of servanthood, a good wife values his leadership, cheers him on, and steers him away from less than wise decisions. In such a marriage, the topics of leadership and submission actually become a subject of vibrant discussion.

HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Ephesians 5:25-28

The truth is no man is capable of loving his wife like Christ does, but it is something to which every husband should aspire. In that quest, if he is married to a woman who loves him enough to stop him from stepping over the precipice and is humble enough to acknowledge that he does get some things wrong, he will succeed. No woman can submit to her husband as wholeheartedly as she would to Christ because she has so much more confidence in the love of Christ for her than her husband’s love for her (even when he loves her well). The Christ-like standard is an ongoing quest, much like sanctification it is a lifelong process. It is almost unattainable in this lifetime; it is most certainly impossible unless BOTH parties have the same mission – to love each other like Christ loves His bride. When both parties are able to acknowledge that they are so far from the ideal of Christ, they can humbly seek forgiveness from each other daily and they can become better people for having married each other. That is what I knew marriage to be for almost three decades.

SACRIFICIAL LOVE

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Ephesians 5:33

This refers to sacrificial love, putting your spouse before yourself, recognizing his/her needs as more than your own. This can so easily be abused by selfishness and self-centeredness. In a healthy marriage, you should be able to draw attention to such selfishness in each other, repent, forgive, and grow. You grow in respect for each other in the process. It’s called accountability. In an abusive marriage you just have to endure the onslaught of narcissistic infallibility.

Thoughts on Divorce

Marriage is hard enough without dealing with the issues of adultery, violence, abuse, and sexual perversions. Quite frankly, throw in the responsibility of raising children and financially providing for your family, there should be very little time or energy left for extramarital exercises. What then does God think about the issue of divorce? 

The scripture thrown around so much is “God hates divorce”. Ask anyone who is divorced – they hate it too!! It represents the termination of something that was supposed to be a beautiful relationship with challenges and failures along the way. So when did those failures become fatal? When the basics tenets of marriage were violated, not once or twice but repeatedly (the basic tenets of marriage: to love and honor, to cherish, to forsake all others). Those vows are only truly validated on a two-way street. If either spouse chooses to engage in adultery or abuse, where does the other spouse turn to for help? Usually the same place where they took their vows: the church.

More often than not I have had women say they were told, “Go home and pray”; “Ask God to give you the grace to be a better wife”; “We will pray that he changes”.  All of these are fine suggestions but only in tandem with that critical element called “accountability”.  Is the perpetrator held for his or her wrongful behavior? Is the woman protected from further abuse? Is our focus on saving the marriage or are we merely trying to prevent divorce?  You see, there is a difference – reconciliation without redress is not restorative. It merely perpetuates the abuse, enables the abuser, and invalidates the angst of the victim. If it is a marriage we are trying to save then the values espoused in those marriage vows have to be defended. A strong stance has to be taken against violence, adultery, and abuse of other sorts. Defending marriage is more than just ensuring two people continue to stay married; it is holding the couple accountable for having a healthy marriage. Once again that word: Accountability!

Malachi 2:15-17, “Has not the LORD made them one, having a portion of the Spirit? And why one? Because He seeks godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “He who divorces his wife covers his garment with violence,” says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit ad do not break faith. You have wearied the LORD with your words; yet you ask, “How have we wearied Him?” By saying, “All who do evil are good in the sight of the LORD, and in them He delights,” or, “Where is the God of justice?”

The admonishments to not break faith with your wife, guard yourself, not cover yourself with the garment of violence – these are the factors that lead to divorce. It is the ugliness and nastiness that goes on under the guise of “leadership and submission” that lead to the hated divorce. It is by ignoring the evil that is being perpetrated, we pretend that it is good in the sight of the Lord – that evil which leads to the hated divorce. What God really hates is the corrosive behavior that destroys marriage.  

Challenging the Accepted Norm

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. Until men step up in challenging the accepted norm, we will not see marriage protected.

“Guys yell; it’s what guys do” – that is disrespectful and despicable behavior that should not be normalized. Differences of opinions should be expected and accepted; reasonable conversations between two rational adults should be normalized.

“Men just have a roving eye” is another norm that should not be normalized. Women are beautiful in the eyes of God and in the eyes of men. Anything and anyone of beauty is to be admired and appreciated, not venerated or denigrated. A man should absolutely adore his wife. He should absolutely think she is the most beautiful creature on earth. But he should save that adulation for her and her alone; not another man’s wife.

“Men need to be in control” should not be normalized. “Men need to be in control of their temper” should be normalized. The only time a person feels the need to raise their voice is when they have no ability to elevate their argument. It is not an indication of strength but rather of weakness.  

I am quite certain there are men reading this who say, “She is up in arms against men; what about the women?” I have no doubt that many marriages fail because of aggressive and adulterous behavior on the part of the wife. I, however, cannot speak to that for obvious reasons. I have no gender bias when giving kudos for a job well done in a marriage nor am I trying to lay one particular gender at the altar of divorce. But my perspective is limited by my gender and my experience. Thus, I can only speak to my experience as a wife – both in a good marriage and in an abusive, adulterous farce of a marriage. I pray that more men will hold other men to a godly standard rather than make excuses for their bad behavior and offer them protection from accountability.