Widowhood & Narcissistic Abuse: A Series on Survival – Shielded by the Shepherd’s Staff

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord…The depths of doubt and despair (Psalm 130:1)

WIDOWHOOD plunges you into the seemingly unyielding abyss of despair. You doubt every promise of God that you have stood upon, but only momentarily. You recover your spiritual composure; then you remember that grief has a way of distorting your view of an unchanging God. It is this realization that allows you to recognize that looking through the broken prism of grief distorts your vision but the character of God is beyond reproach. It is this character in which you need to place your trust. Place no credibility in your distorted view – it is but an illusion created by your grief. 

Jesus Christ in the same yesterday, today, and forever

Hebrew 13:8

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE plunges you into despair inch by inch, day by day. While you once believed that God had a promise of redemption and restoration for the person who professed to love you and Him, you watch a tedious tango with the devil unravel itself in the everyday, mundane, and seemingly inconsequential events of your life. Soon, there is evidence of more complex and evil maneuvers which all seem to happen so painlessly and seamlessly that you begin to suspect you are being manipulated by a master in the art. This is not a new game for the other player. You are pitted against a professional. You begin to understand that you have been conscripted into an unholy alliance. Your beliefs and values are systematically stripped away; they are normalized by their regular presence in your life, and they are moralized by the twisting of scriptures. Your despair grows; your prayers seem to go unanswered.

Be attentive to my cry for mercy…Praying through the paralysis and pain (Psalm 130:2)

WIDOWHOOD drives you to your knees, mostly because you have no strength to stand, but also because nothing in your life makes sense anymore.  You worked hard at marriage knowing it is both a mystery and a miracle that unfolds daily. It is the hardest and yet the most rewarding thing you would ever do in life. After years of investing in the hope of growing old with the one you love, you find yourself left alone. Your grief leaves you numb for a season only to be replaced by excruciating pain. You can only beg God for mercy, for a renewed reason to live, for strength for today and hope for tomorrow because it takes all you can muster to make it each day.

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE will paralyze you; living in fear of “consequences” daily for every single thing you think, say, or do or, fail to think, say, or do.  Knowing that what was appreciated yesterday will be hurled like a dagger at you today. Knowing that daily you have to conform to requirements, expectations, public statements of affirmation – whatever it takes to feed the insatiable ego of the abuser. Daily you are being subjected to insults and ridicule under the guise of “making you a better person”. You don the mask. It is your ticket to survival. Nobody can know.

In His word I place my hope…There is assurance in His promises (Psalm 130:5)

WIDOWHOOD makes everything in your life seem so senseless. You cling to the only unchanging factor in your life – the undeniable promises of an immutable God. You fall back on whatever it is you know and understand of Him and His character. You remember the years of favor He bestowed upon you through many trials during your marriage. You have tasted His goodness, you have seen Him heal and bind wounds in you and your husband, you have experienced His faithfulness in the most trying circumstances of your life. You have watched the miracle of redemption and restoration in your spouse and yourself as you grow closer in your love for each other and the one, true God you serve. You rest in His promise to NEVER leave you nor forsake you.  

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE you pray each day that the person you promised to love and cherish will be set free of the unholy alliance he has entered into with evil. You sit up at night and pray for him to be delivered of his demons. You watch the struggle each day between the call to walk away from ungodly choices and the adamant insistence in partaking of adulterous, fraudulent, and immoral pursuits. You pray even harder that God will prevail.  And He would – but for that singular element of free-choice. Your prayer changes to “rescue me”. And He will. Stand firm. Be wise. Stay alive. 

Until dawn breaks…

I wait for the morning more than the watchman waits for the morning…The darkness of grief and hopelessness seem never-ending (Psalm 130:5)

WIDOWHOOD is not a transient state of mind or being. It breaks you and morphs you into a shadow of yourself. You spend your days either clawing your way out of the dark pit of grief or you do the delicate dance teetering on the precipice of that pit. Either way, you are weary and have lost your soft place to land and rest – the arms of a loving husband. You painfully work your way out of the dark tunnel called grief, even though, not fully out of it, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is elusive but visible. You cling to hope of a brighter tomorrow. Every day you will become increasingly aware of God’s very tangible presence in your life. Keep waiting on Him. Daily.

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE is a dark hole of a different kind; it is more like being thrown into a pit of vipers – and the one who controls the vipers is the snake-charmer you vowed to love and cherish. You do the exhausting dance of yielding to the snake-charmer lest he strike you with a lethal blow and snuff the life out of you with his toxic venom. You wait for a new day to dawn…a day when the snake-charmer assumes he has stripped you of everything and drained you of the strength, will, or desire to climb out of the pit. He is lulled into a complacent slumber confident his depravity has totally consumed you and you have lost all sense of who you are outside of his control.

WAIT – the sun will shine again because the Son never stopped shining on you even in your darkest season. Those prayers you prayed for the other person to be delivered were made in good faith. You wanted only the best for him. You wanted him to have a shot at decency and dignity. You wanted to believe that deep within him resides a little something that can ignite his fire for righteous living that he falsely proclaimed to embrace. God sees your tears and your fears, he sees the desire of your heart to cause no harm but be an instrument of healing. However, in the hands of a narcissistic abuser such compassion is weaponized for your own destruction.  

The narcissistic abuser wants to own EVERYTHING you represent – your values and your credibility, hold close to your heart – your family and friends, and possess your home and your money. Once he believes he has that, he discards you. You just may be worth more to him dead than alive. He is ready to move on to his next conquest.

But God has not forgotten your other prayer – “God, rescue me”. He gives you clarity of thought and wisdom. He creates a small window of opportunity. He gives you a resolve to NEVER go back to such evil even if it costs you dearly financially. He heals you emotionally. He restores you spiritually. He will allow a new day to dawn in your life. He will remind you of His promise to NEVER leave you nor forsake you. You will have renewed strength. You will have renewed hope. You will become a force to contend with – empowered and emboldened by His spirit.

And yes – even though you have been financially defrauded – God is able to restore you in every area of your life.

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall rise up on wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 40:31