After my husband of 29 years died in 2018, I remarried a man I believed to be God-fearing, kind, and honorable. He turned out to be a narcissistic abuser. I have been asked by many young people how it is they can protect themselves and their young friends from falling into a trap like I did. I was naïve enough to think that Christian men, men who were well-known in church, who were serving on committees, and serving on the worship team at church would have to be men of stellar character. I’ve since learned that churches are safe-havens for predators. More on that a different day.

There are some red flags that you should be aware of; these are things you will see and hear and if you do not know that they are warnings of a deep-seated manipulation in progress, you will take them at face value and believe every lie you hear.

Abusers are not monsters; but they are also not transformed by love, compassion, and insight. They are often some of the most charming men, they come across as empathetic and caring, and they appear to be very talented.

So here are some things every girl should know before she starts dating:

1. He speaks disrespectfully of his former partners/relationships – what they are really saying is they were not good enough for me. They may even say, “You are different; I wanted them to be like you; You are perfect for me.” RUN!

2. Sometimes they will do the reverse – they will elevate their former relationships to put the pressure on you – what they are really saying is, “I deserve someone of extremely high caliber and I am not sure you will make the cut.” RUN!

3. He is disrespectful toward you; DISRESPECT IS THE SOIL IN WHICH ABUSE FLOURISHES. Or, he can idealize you and put you on a pedestal, tell you that you are not like other women. This is disrespect of a different form: he is seeing you as he wants you to be, not as you are. You will soon disappoint him simply because you are a woman. RUN!

4. He does favors for you that you do not want and puts on a show of generosity in front of others; he is flattering himself, not you. He wants to be able to justify his accusations against others by having you see him in this light. RUN!

5. HE IS CONTROLLING – He may present this as taking charge because he views you as his princess. WARNING: He ain’t no Prince Charming. He will start with telling you how to dress, walk, talk etc. all under the guise of seeing so much more in you than you see in yourself (and yes, he will be grievously wounded if you question his criticism, because he will claim all he is doing is trying to “love you”). RUN!

6. He is possessive – jealous behavior is the precursor to abuse down the road. Do not fall for this form of flattery. RUN!

7. He is self-centered; all he does is talk about himself. Yes, this is a whole lot more than a person who merely talks about himself a lot or a narcissist who loves himself a lot. Deep down inside, he has no capacity to love anyone other than himself. So, NO. No matter what he says, he does not love you; He cannot; there is no room in his life for anyone but himself.

8. He intimidates you when he is angry; as unintentional as this may seem, it is very intentional. It is something that has been tried and tested, he knows how to produce the desired results. Don’t believe him when he says, “I am just a verbal person; I feel better once I vent.” It is all about exerting psychological control over you.

What does INTIMIDATION look like:

• He gets in your face and yells
• He slaps walls and tables
• He warns you of “consequences”
• He locks the car door and refuses to drive until you agree with him and whatever accusations he is hurling at you.
• He insists on you apologizing for his temper.
• He tells you it is his your job to control his temper.
• He insists on tears with your apology or he will call you names until you cooperate.

ALL of this is ABUSIVE behavior. Don’t ever ask a woman if he “hit” you until you have validated all the other abuse she has endured.