When it comes to decisions and arguments, the Narcissistic Abuser (NA) decides what’s best for you and himself in EVERY situation.  Your personal preferences are unacceptable if they conflict with his, even if that preference operates in autonomy. For example, maybe you like to eat small meals throughout the day, but he prefers to eat one large meal. Compromise will allow you to eat the one meal together while also eating smaller frequent meals as you desire. An abuser will require that you not eat anything all day long as an act of support.

The NA decides what the content, nature, and conclusion of an argument looks like: who is allowed to speak, whether it is a conversation or a quiet threat under his breath that others do not see or hear, or whether it is violent in nature.  Of course, if any of the above happen it will be because you do not know how to appease the NA and immediately do as you are told.  According to the NA, your disobedience is the cause of any conflict.

The NA justifies bad behavior as being for your good; therefore, anything including violence is acceptable, because it is ultimately an “act of love” deemed to be necessary for your good. The NA sees himself as the sacrificial lamb who has to be the bad guy to bring about good for the relationship. He ALWAYS know best.

If the NA perceives his control is slipping, he will escalate his bad behavior, and it will be your fault because you dared to contradict him or voice an opinion which felt threatening to him.  So, if you get slapped around or physically entrapped, it is your fault.  The NA has a responsibility to maintain complete control in the relationship.

What is the scriptural guideline for marriage & family?

“And walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”

Ephesians 5:2

If love dictates our actions – everything we do and say will come from a place of tenderness and caring.  This love requires us to sacrifice ourselves, not the other party.  This kind of love does not prompt violence and intimidation to get your own way (even if you perceive it as being for the good of the other).

Christ loved us in a way that is sacrificial – He took our faults upon himself and paid the price for us.  This is contradictory to the way the NA loves you – the NA requires that you take his faults upon yourself and pay the price on his behalf because that frees him from taking any ownership and the need for introspective evaluation of self.

A fragrant sacrificial offering is pleasing to God – remember the word says, “Obedience is better than sacrifice”.  Is your sacrifice coming out of a place of obedience to God or to the NA?  If you are dying to yourself daily to appease the NA, then your sacrifice stinks before God.  He demands obedience to His Word first, then the sacrifice that follows is a fragrant offering.

Control is antithetical to love; love frees you to be your very best self (albeit different from the person the NA is trying to mold you into being).  Love celebrates your differences and meets you half-way where compromise is necessary.  Love can do you no harm; so violence of any form can never be justified as an act of love.