Game of Deception

Narcissism is a whole lot more than merely being self-centered and vain; it is a game. Contrary to popular belief, the narcissist does not believe he is “all that”; instead, he works hard at looking good to others because he is afraid that when the mask falls and the world sees the real person, he will be ashamed. Narcissism is really a game about “who wears the mask best” aka deception. Deception in relationships. Deception in finances. Deception in one’s spiritual journey. Deception in one’s professional life. It is all about projecting oneself to be much more than you really are. Therefore, a narcissist lives with the constant fear of being found out. So he stays ahead of the game at all times; always calculating his next move, manipulating circumstances and people in his life to suit his agenda. There is no room for honesty or integrity.

In this game, there are many rules, but the rules can be changed by the narcissist depending on the circumstances. This is how he ensures he is unbeatable. How do you live in a world with constantly changing rules, a world where standards do not exist, a world where no moral compass exists?  You have very few choices – none of them palatable.

• Play by the narcissist’s rules and hope to have peace (that usually enables him and he amps up his game because he sees you as weak)
• Play like he does (in a one-on-one narcissist vs. narcissist duel, the best predator wins)
• Change the rules on them (they will perceive this as a threat to their control). 
• Do not play at all (they hate this option and will do everything they can to goad you into a fight because that is where they excel). Sadly, not playing the game even though it is the wisest choice you can make, is not always the best available option.  The price you will have to pay is very high – regardless of whether you stay or leave.

What to Expect if You Stay

If you stay, expect a lot of manipulation and confusion, a lot of attacks on your character followed by false pretenses of admiration, and initial public affirmation with gradual and subtle interludes of public humiliation. This sets the stage for escalation of a smear campaign built up in small doses and packaged as humor to desensitize those in your social circle.  

Expect a lot of self-justification – an absolute inability to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever. They will speak confidently about virtues and values they see in others, thus insinuating that these values are what they hold dear; but they use such eulogy only to distract from the absence of such virtue in themselves. It is what Dr. Dallas Willard, a philosopher known for his writings on Christian spiritual formation, refers to as being “image management”.

The narcissist is 150% engaged in image management – the mask cannot come off. Narcissists also feel entitled to a life free of pain, shame, or suffering: “It is better you feel pain than me. If I have to inflict pain on you to make myself feel better then it is your responsibility to endure such pain. Your pain means nothing to me; it is not my problem; I have no obligation to empathize with you. The only pain I believe in is the pain I perceive the rest of the world causes me.” Self-pity is the hallmark characteristic of a narcissist.

Understanding the Predatorial Mindset

Narcissists will make grandiose statements about how they “hate weakness” – yet, both predators and protectors look for weaknesses in others.  Predators use the weakness of others to exploit them while protectors will identify the weakness of others as something to defend. A protector helps you heal by nurturing you. A predator guts you by doing to you the very things that once destroyed you. A protector chooses to love you.  A predator chooses to love himself by exploiting you. A narcissist is a predator among those he is closest to – his family, his friends, his pastors, his church. In order to maintain a façade of being a protector he engages in deception; he learns about your weaknesses under the guise of protecting you, then he uses that knowledge to manipulate you. The narcissist evolves from a non-empathizing sociopath into a predatory psychopath.

Professor Robert Hare, PhD says psychopaths follow a 3-steps to being successful predators:

1. They find weaknesses in people they want to use
2. They manipulate people into bonding with them 
3. They abandon their victim and move on to the next victim

Living with a narcissistic abuser requires you to handle the nuances of life with a sociopathic, predatory psychopath. They start out at the lower end of the spectrum but with the passage of time, and unbelievable success, they evolve into full-blown psychopaths. Their success can largely be attributed to their own prowess but also to the quiet spectators and enablers in their lives who protect them and shield them, who present them with the façade they need to be perceived as honorable men. Their spouses who look the other way because they have no way out, their family and friends who keep tight-lipped about their ongoing patterns of toxic behavior, and their fellow-narcissistic friends who encourage them on their journey of faux manliness.

Life with a narcissistic abuser is no party. The only way to win is to get out of the game, no matter the price. You will pay a price for staying. You will pay a price for leaving. Calculate the cost and make the wisest decision for yourself and your children. The only winner in the game of narcissistic abuse is the narcissist himself. At least, so it would appear if you were to subscribe to his own shallow views on life, love, and marriage. Hold on to your values. Hold on to your integrity. Hold on to your dignity. They are worth much more to you than anything else.