We’ve heard much about the stages of grief; I prefer to call them the many faces of grief. They make sudden and unexpected appearances, sometimes they appear in disguise and at other times they overstay their welcome.

Denial

DENIAL can appear to others like you are in a Pollyanna land oblivious to reality. What you feel is a numbness that cripples you and dulls your responses. You can be forgetful and easily confused; to you it’s the scary reality that you are not functioning at your optimal. You may appear to be indifferent to the world around you and shutting down but you really are overwhelmed by the world around you that moves about as if nothing has changed. The truth is nothing has changed for everyone else, yet everything has changed for you. So you go about your day with busyness, flitting from one set of tasks to another. It may all seem mindless to others but it is a busyness that distracts you from your reality and pain. You put on a face and say, “I’m fine” while deep down inside you have lost any concept of what “fine” feels like.

Anger

ANGER may come across as pessimism, cynicism, sarcasm, and resentment. It may even present itself as aggressive and excessive rage.  What you are really feeling is frustration and helplessness, an inability to control your circumstances. That loss of power over your own life and emotions is a scary place to be – you are now vulnerable and afraid of being preyed upon so you come out swinging. It is a survival mechanism.

Bargaining

BARGAINING can look like you are ruminating and reliving too much of the past and trying to map out your future. Maybe you are dealing with guilt and shame but it sounds like you are talking too much about things that you can do nothing about. You appear to be anxious beyond the comprehension of those around you; the whole time you are grappling with a fear of the future. You will engage in a lot of conversations that start with “Maybe if I” or “What if”.  That may sound like insecurity to others, but you are dealing with a profound fear of the unknown.

Depression

DEPRESSION can look like sleep deprivation, reduced energy, lack of social interest, lethargy, and excessive crying. What it really feels like is a deep and intense sadness, and utter state of despair and hopelessness, nothing anyone says can reach you, you cannot see the beauty in a bright, sun-shiny spring day. Your inability to accomplish much is in fact a true state of helplessness. There is a deep frustration within you to grasp your own diminished functionality. Your crying comes from a place of disappointment at your circumstances, or even in yourself being unable to climb out of the pit. You may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain and the feeling of being overwhelmed by it all.

Acceptance

ACCEPTANCE may appear like you are doing just fine and have realistic expectations; what you are really doing is coping and adapting to an altered reality. You may seem prideful and indifferent to your circumstances, but you are trying hard to not allow depression and despair take over.

It’s important to understand the stages of grief – what the grieving person is experiencing vs what it looks like to others. If you have a friend who is grieving, you can better support and encourage him/her by gaining insight into what is really going on in the mind and heart in each stage of grief.