Widowhood & Narcissistic Abuse: A Series on Survival – Shielded by the Shepherd’s Staff

What a picture of abundance and contentment. But is that all it is? Insecurity (fear of the future), fear of the unknown (the wolf in sheep’s clothing), fear for its safety (predators), harassment by pests and parasites (constant attacks designed to keep you from resting) – all of these are the weapons of the evil one who desires to keep you from finding your place of peace, quiet, and rest.  

Widowhood & Doubt

Widowhood plunges you into grief; grief feels an awful lot like fear, fear cripples you, it takes over your subconscious – the end result is you are weary and unable to find restorative rest. You have to be on guard to protect yourself and your children. An intimate knowledge that your Shepherd is omnipotent and omniscient makes you question His motives. He had this planned out. I didn’t see this coming but He chose to let it happen. Is He the Good Shepherd? Has he allowed the roaring lion of death to roam freely in His pastures? Who is next? Me? My children? Don’t bother to give me a sanctimonious lecture on the irrationality of my thought process – this is the nature of grief. Irrational fears. Unfounded doubts about the nature and character of God. Yet, in time He brings you to a place where you trust who you always knew Him to be – a Good Shepherd yet God Almighty who never promised any of us security on this side of eternity. You can question His timing because it does not fit with your plans; and as much as you do not like His plans, you recognize His Lordship in that He has a perfect plan for your life even if it does not seem like He does.  

Narcissistic Abuse & Doubt

Narcissistic abuse also makes you question why you were not counted among the many who dodged the “nuclear bomb” of abuse that you allowed into your heart and life. You found him in a Godly environment, all packaged with scriptures figuratively tattooed all over him, a false sense of repentance for prior wrong choices albeit your knowledge of them was only the tip of a deathly iceberg. Then you committed to love and cherish the only way you know how – with all that you have. And that was when the ship of your life began to be thrashed on the iceberg of narcissistic abuse. Only the tip may or may not be visible to onlookers but you are subjected to an underwater view of what you are up against. You finally bail ship and swim against the tide to make it to shore. Once again, you question God’s motives; before too long you recognize that He gave you the confidence to jump into the vast raging ocean, He gave you the strength to swim against the tide, and He gave you the foresight to steer yourself in the direction of land. Once on solid ground, He keeps leading you…to green pastures!

Yes, in this place you will find contentment regardless of your circumstances. You will rest because you know He will not rest and will not slumber.  You survived. You got away. Many do not. His watchful eye noticed the wolf. The caretakers of His sheep allowed a wolf into the pen, but the Shepherd did not allow you to be destroyed by this wolf. Do not be tempted to crawl over the fence and seek greener pastures lest you put yourself in the path of the wolf of discontentment and greed. When the Lord provides for you there will be no question that none of it was through ill-gotten means. You very likely were subject to the narcissistic theory that God provides for you by illicit acquisition. If it is illicit and immoral; it is not God’s provision. If you have to find a way to justify it legally, it is not God’s provision. It is greed and discontentment taking over because you have found what appears to be greener pastures. Resist the urge to be the wayward sheep, even though the wayward sheep walks away with the prize. Or so it seems on the face of it.  

Fear: The Parasite of Widowhood

“Pests and Parasites” make you restless and anxious. In the case of widowhood, the reality of having to do life alone without having that someone you have had for years to sit with and talk to. The reality that when life hits you with challenges, you cannot turn around and bury your head in his chest and just feel those arms of comfort around you. No words need to be exchanged. When you and he trust the Lord with all your heart, you just lean on each other for physical comfort and spiritually you both lean not on your own understanding of the circumstances but rather on that of His character.  Fear of failure; fear of loneliness; fear of being inadequate; fear….fear….fear. It is a pesky parasite that can gnaw at you day and night.

Anger: The Parasite of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse leaves you with a lot of anger – at the one who pretended to love you but was the entire time plotting how to rob you and destroy you, and anger at those who betrayed you with their silence despite knowledge of decades of violence, thievery, deception, adultery, perversion, and more. Yes – it is difficult to understand how anyone could be silent, even less those who call you family. It is very difficult to forgive. It is very difficult to forget. It is very difficult to picture them as you once did, as persons of integrity. Yet, it will eat at your very soul day and night. And if you allow it to fester – the narcissist and his evil cohorts have won. Those who wronged you by their silence or by their perpetuation of wrongdoing – try hard to remember them as you once did. Pray for their well-being even when everything within you wants them to feel your pain – they may or may not have the capacity to empathize. Protect yourself from further injury but also protect your soul from what your narcissistic abuser ultimately wanted.  

Financial destruction, homelessness, poverty, failure in life, destruction of relationships (yes, even the new ones formed), spiritual bankruptcy – all of these are what the narcissist wants as punishment for you having the audacity to leave him. And for a while, as more and more betrayal unravels itself, it will seem like he is getting his wish. You have zero control over the decisions of others. You also have zero control over the negative impact of their decisions on your life. Once again – fear can creep in right alongside the anger and betrayal you already feel. Fear and anger – pesky parasites that can be used mightily by the evil one to bring to fruition the “plans” the narcissistic abuser had for you. But, reject those pests and reject those plans. That weapon that was designed to destroy you – that was not ever in God’s design for your life. He will turn it around and send it back to where it belongs.  But, YOU HAVE TO LET GO!! 

Green Pastures

God has GREEN PASTURES ahead for you – a place of contentment, a place you can rest without fear because HE is your PROTECTOR, a place where the garment of praise and the fortification of forgiveness can ward off pests and parasites. A place where you can forgive the senseless pain you have endured by ensconcing yourself in that bastion that the Holy Spirit and naught but the Holy Spirit can lead you to and keep you there.

“I will feed them with good pasture, and on the mountain heights of Israel shall be their grazing land. There they shall lie down in good grazing land, and on rich pasture they shall feed on the mountains of Israel.”

Ezekiel 34:14