Widowhood & Narcissistic Abuse: A Series on Survival – Shielded by the Shepherd’s Staff

Marriage and divorce are loaded subjects because there is so much that transpires between the two extremes. On one end of the spectrum you have the argument that God hates divorce, therefore all divorce is Biblically unacceptable. On the other end of the spectrum is the argument that if two people are unhappy with each other far be it from anybody to impose the rigid restrictions of marriage upon them; they should be free to seek happiness wherever they choose. There really isn’t any argument to be made against the latter unless you apply Biblical standards. But can an argument be made that the former is really a dangerous stance to take? Yes. I would know!!

Being Married vs Being in a Marriage

There is a distinct difference between being married and being in a marriage. Two people who spend the early years of their marriage butting heads on matters of preference and actively work to find common ground; who engage in intellectual debate with each other on weighty matters; who can and will freely contradict each other without fear of consequences; who affirm each other out of love and respect, not coercion; who annoy each other, laugh their way out of it, and absolutely adore each other all in a day’s span – now that is marriage.  I would know!!

Two people who occupy the same space and on some occasions breathe the same air hardly constitutes marriage just because they took a vow before man and God. Even if they find a way to co-exist in seeming peace with a hefty dose of indifference, it would mean they are married not that they have a marriage. Such marriages are rife with emotional abandonment, even when a man provides for his family financially. I firmly believe that this marriage can and should be held to a Biblical standard as well. Apathy and indifference are not considered acceptable in a Godly relationship.  Revelation 3:15-17 says, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.  You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.” Christ’s relationship with His church is the standard; he finds indifference puke-worthy! Many, many Christian marriages maintain a façade while in fact spouses think it is sufficient that they are not engaging in extramarital relationships.  The standard for marriage is a lot higher than just the “thou shall not”. It is a lifetime of working at the “thou shall”. Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do, but it is also the most rewarding. That is why widowhood can be so devastating; it is a tragic culmination of a lifetime of fighting to maintain the Biblical standards of marriage, a lifetime of not compromising on the true nature of such a relationship, a lifetime of fighting against indifference and apathy creeping into a relationship where you have so little personal space that you cannot help but rub against each other’s warts.  Yes – to lose to death somehow makes you want to yell “foul play” at the referee. But, when the dust settles you can look back and say, “Boy. That was so worth fighting for!!”

And then you have what I have termed as a mockery of marriage. People who in general have no desire or intention to be faithful in marriage, who think their need to be in multiple sexual relationships is just their uniqueness manifesting itself and therefore a legitimate need which has to be met illegitimately. They marry only for reasons of financial gain (divorcees with minor children who receive child support – if they time it right they can rake in any divorce settlement that comes in – and, of course, widows who have life insurance money and home equity). Such people also see marriage with a widow as an opportunity to restore their image as a “failure” in prior marriages. They may or may not also be violent because it is their God-given responsibility to teach their spouse immediate obedience. What then should the church’s attitude be towards such a marriage? Should they insist on having the victim of violence sit across the perpetrator of violence? After all, is it not the church’s responsibility to restore the marriage? I submit not.  

Prioritize Protecting the Victim over “Saving” an Abusive Marriage

Firstly – nobody who has been abused in any manner should be required to return to a confrontation with the perpetrator of such abuse. The only safe place for the victim is behind a figurative Chinese wall – no contact of any kind. There is no surer way of you enabling the perpetrator and perpetuating the abuse than insisting on getting the two to “sit across the table”. You have just enabled the abuser – you have brought his victim to his battlefield, MANIPULATION.  

Secondly – it is not the responsibility of the church to reunite the couple thus giving the perception of “saving the marriage”. What you are attempting to do in such a situation is preventing a divorce; by no means have you saved a marriage. If you desire to save the marriage, you should be addressing the issues that led to the separation. And, you PROTECT the victim at all costs. Under no circumstances should you place shame on her for walking out on an abuser. I for one will applaud every woman who finds a way to leave an abusive situation. You were not made to be someone’s punching bag or object of sexual deprivation. If a man or woman fails to love their spouse in a dignified manner, fails to provide a safe space for them to express their opinions albeit different from your own – then I submit, you have failed to fulfill the very basic tenets of marriage.

Is my stand Biblical? Well, let’s see:

“Whosoever causes those who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown in the sea with a millstone around his neck.”

Mark 9:42

For those who think a man requiring his wife to watch pornography with him is a private matter, and she is obligated to indulge him in this seemingly benign matter because, after all, it is between two adults who are married to each other – think again. For a man who condemns his wife for not being exposed to the depravity of pornography, group sex, and strip shows, the scriptures have a pretty strong punishment. The end is horrible for the person who volitionally causes others to sin; and more so for those who hold positions of leadership in churches. For those who do this repeatedly, and savor every opportunity to do this to yet another woman, the subsequent verses make no bones about the fact that they are cast into hell.  

Does God hate divorce? You bet He does, but only because He hates all the depraved choices that lead to the corrosion of marriage as He designed it.  If that is the pattern of behavior either person in the marriage subscribes to as legitimate and desirable, then read 1 Corinthians 15:33-34 “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character. Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning”. Staying in a covenant relationship with a person who has made a covenant with the devil is not your God-given calling in a marriage. God hates the sin that leads to divorce; if divorce is your only way out, then take it. Trust God to carry you through the aftermath of your bold decision to not keep the secrets of the malignant narcissistic abuser. Trust to continue to live under His favor when you find yourself confronted with false rumors about your character. Trust Him to be your provider when you have to live with the reality of the financial fraud committed against you through legally permissible larceny. Just because something is legally permissible does not mean it is not morally reprehensible.

Moving Forward after Divorcing a Narcissistic Abuser

Take back your soul – even if that is all you are able to take back. Thank God that you are alive to be present in the lives of your children. And work hard everyday to forgive those who silently stood by and allowed such evil to be perpetrated and worse yet, played a part in the perpetuation of it.  Forgiving the complicit is not easy; it is a daily decision. Someday it will lose its hold over you and you will be free to live your life without trying to make sense of how those who claim to love you could partake in this evil. Just as the abuser will have to answer to God, so will the enablers and complicit have to live with their decisions.

This is the ugliness of divorce – long after you have physically walked away you are struggling to heal from the emotional and spiritual wounds inflicted upon you. Betrayal at the hands of those who called themselves your new friends and family teaches you not to trust people just because they proclaim to be people of faith. It mars your view of many in the church – rightly or wrongly. But someday, you will heal enough to be able to trust selectively.  Until then, lean on the promises of Jeremiah 11:29, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.