Sexual abuse is so poorly understood. Its very basic definition can be so simplistic that it eliminates a lot of situations of sexual abuse merely because they appear to fall within the confines of “consent”. Sexual abuse is generally defined as any sexual activity, verbal, physical, or visual, that is engaged in without consent. This very definition is what the narcissistic abuser manipulates to suit his own whims and justify his behavior.  

Using the services of massage parlors and prostitutes may on the surface not appear to be sexual abuse, but it is just that on 2 counts: 1) a degradation of your spouse, regardless of whether she knows or does not know of your choices, and 2) a degradation of the woman who gets paid to perform sexual acts with you. You have participated in an industry that has so proficiently packaged perversion as a means of livelihood and as a “consensual” act between two people merely conducting a transactional relationship.

But, what about the wife of a narcissistic abuser? Does she get sexually abused? What about the whole concept of “consent”; after all, is it not her marital duty to “consent” to all the demands and fetishes of her husband? This is the crux of marital sexual abuse. What qualifies as consent? A narcissistic abusive husband masters the art of manipulation, deception, and uses coercive threats to get his wife’s cooperation aka “consent”. He will actively engage in visual adultery in the presence of his wife by looking at pictures of the wives of other men – he will magnify these images and explore their intimate features the whole time commenting about how lucky that guy is to have such a woman. He may even shamelessly tell the man he thinks his wife is “hot”. Then he will make it a habit to declare that unfortunately God made him so attractive to other women that he cannot help it if women throw themselves at him everywhere he goes. He will justify his adulterous behavior by saying, “It is just the way God made him”.  

In the more intimate confines of the marital bed, he continues to follow through with his deceptive coercion. He will remind you that if you do not cooperate with his perversions he will be forced to go outside the marriage. He has successfully made his perversions and propensity for adultery the responsibility of his wife. He will use pornography in his marriage as a means of bonding with his wife and then treat her with aggression and humiliation, because sex to him is not about intimacy or loving one’s spouse; it is about domination, deception, and degradation. To further get her to be compliant, he will likely get her intoxicated. He will use crude language to further humiliate her. He will engage in violent and dangerous sexual acts. He fails to fulfill her basic need for intimacy in the sexual act. Sex in his marriage is all about him playing out his fantasies – no matter how degrading and violent they are. In his opinion, since this is his wife she is his property and she has a duty to meet his EVERY need. If you interpret any of this as consensual sex, you have misinterpreted the meaning of consent. Consent broken down to its very basic element requires you to be confident that saying “no” is an option; that there will be no dire consequences. If you have to fear for your own safety, then saying “no” is not an option; if you have to be inebriated to cooperate with your spouse’s fetishes that is not consent it is coercion. If you are physically unable to get away that is not consent, it is imprisonment. The narcissistic sexual abuser is counting on you not talking about this to anyone else – he expects it to be a shameful subject which will guarantee your discretion.

What about his overt “visual” adultery with other women? Is it sexual abuse when you have to watch your husband stare at intimate body parts of women on the street as they walk by, when he does a pirouette in his effort to not miss any angle, or when he pauses a movie so he can take in to his satisfaction the abundance of a woman’s derriere or bosom? How about when he declares you narrow-minded if you refer to it as objectifying women; after all if God did not want men to stare at women, He would not have made them so sexually attractive. As a wife whose husband drools at other women and then escalates his behavior to include making lewd physical contact with other women in public places, what are your options? Should you object and deal with his wrath when you get home? Or, should you just keep your mouth shut and endure the degradation? I guess your silence can be construed as consent. Don’t forget – consent is valid only if you have the option to say “NO” without the threat of consequences. When you have to live with this day in and day out, you hardly feel like a woman who is loved and honored by her husband. You begin to feel like his rag doll that he can twist and turn into whatever he needs you to be for his pleasure. His personal Playboy Bunny.

Voyeurism is another nasty fetish of a narcissistic abuser; he enjoys watching other people engage in the sexual act. Pornography alone does not satisfy this fetish in him. He wants to watch it live. He gets even more pleasure if he can get his wife to cooperate with him; this is why he invites her to engage in sex with other men. Of course, he packages it as his desire to prove to her how much he loves her. If she balks at the idea, he accuses her of trying to make him feel like a bad person and failing to be an appreciative wife. There will be days of sulking and abandonment (if you are lucky); worse yet, there will be screaming and yelling for the littlest thing and it will be your fault for making him feel like an evil person. You will be required to apologize and admit that you failed him as a wife. He will require you to engage in sexual acts with yourself while he watches; this is how you will prove to him that you are a good wife.

You may ask how it is that a man can do this without the slightest qualm of conscience. The answer lies in the power of deception. Deception has a way of teaching you the means to package every lie as a truth. The first person a narcissistic abuser lies to is himself. He always starts with the end goal – this will usually be something to do with God or his wife. He will not hesitate to declare to himself that everything he does is either God’s fault because “he is unique” in his appetites or because it is how a good husband teaches his wife to embrace her sexuality. What makes a narcissistic abuser an accomplished liar is he introduces just a little truth into his thought processes; eg. “I really love my wife”. Then, once he has inoculated himself with this truth, he can justify everything else in his own mind. He will spin an entire fairy tale and declare it to be true in entirety. He convinces himself it is true and therefore, the means justify the end. 

“The Thicket” is a mystery/suspense novel written by American author Joe R. Lansdale. A character in this book states something like this; “I find sin like coffee; at first it tastes bitter and nasty but then I add some milk to it so I can continue to enjoy it. Soon, I have developed an appetite for it and can drink it black.” (paraphrased). This is what a narcissistic abuser does to make his own lies palatable. His now palatable lies can be shared with others with a conviction most can only reserve for the truth. This is how a narcissistic abuser evolves into a pathological liar. Howard Thurman, theologian and civil rights leader states, “The penalty for deception is to become a deception, with all sense of moral discrimination vitiated. A man who lies habitually becomes a lie; it becomes increasingly impossible for him to know when he is lying and when he is not.”

What options does the wife have? Leaving is her only way to escape this abuse. Yet, she will pay a dear price. The truth is her life was destroyed the moment she crossed paths with the spawn of Satan she ended up marrying. He just came in a beautiful disguise. As his true self systematically and methodically emerged, she found herself already sucked into the vortex of his manipulation. At first she thinks, if this is what it takes to keep him faithful within the marriage, I guess I will do it. (That’s the first drink she gets of the dark, bitter coffee with “bitters” added.) Then, he adds elements of pornography and humiliating acts to his repertoire. She thinks she has no choice. She cannot risk him going out of the marriage. (Yup. She just added some milk to her bitter coffee to make it palatable.) Finally, she realizes that what she endures has nothing to do with saving her marriage.  Firstly, this is not marriage. Secondly, this has everything to do with destroying any integrity she has within herself and turning her into something or someone she detests. Finally, she has to numb her pain to go on with this charade. Throughout the process she is being compelled to make public statements of affirmation of her husband’s undying love for her. Narcissists demand affirmation privately and publicly. “I have an insatiable need for affirmation” is a statement you will hear often. She will be threatened with consequences if she does not put a smile on her face. He will accuse her of wanting to expose him to the world, for which she will pay dearly. She feels trapped and begins to trauma-bond -a deep sense of pity for her abuser (pity can feel a lot like love in an abusive relationship); she begins to accept the abuse as her life’s potion and looks forward to moments when he may express strong love for her. He reminds her that he passionately loves her in between his abusive episodes. He is playing a game of mind control.

It is only when she realizes that her very life is in jeopardy; her sanity is being seriously threatened (once that happens, he will tell the world she has mental issues). She has a clear choice: get out! The price of staying will save nothing and will destroy everything. She remembers how dark and bitter coffee really is. She realizes she is slowly but surely turning into her abuser. She stares in the mirror and begins to see only shadows of her real self. She knows that the longer she stays, the less of herself she will remember. She must leave for her self-preservation. The price she pays will be high. But when she leaves she will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what she escaped was so much worse than anything ahead of her. She knows she would have paid the ultimate price had she stayed. She knows she will pay the price for leaving – slander, accusations, financial theft, emotional blackmail, stalking, and the list goes on. But she will not look back.  Nothing is worth another moment with the spawn of Satan. She will do all she can to separate herself from him and not even his shadow will darken her life. Then and only then, will she be free to heal and return to her own God-given identity.

Galatians 5:1

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.