Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33

This is the simplest summation of life with a corrupt and perverted narcissistic abuser.

If a narcissistic abuser claims to be a Christian, and many of them have all the outward attributes of one and occupy seats of leadership in churches, he will use scriptures to manipulate you. He will quote and interpret scripture one way to get you to cooperate with him in one way; then he will flip it on its head and interpret it a different way to get a different outcome. The whole time he will accuse you of being a narrow-minded Christian who puts God in a box too small to contain Him.  

For Whose Glory?

A Narc wants ALL the glory; he wants power, a good name, wealth, and titles. He will pretend that he is doing things for God’s glory but in all those things he needs to be the best, the most visible, and the most important. He will camouflage his desire for importance by suggesting that he is doing something because God has called him to do it (not because it is what he wants), he will use this argument to place himself in close confidence of people in leadership; he will feign humility by demanding a visible position while stating he is okay with being in the shadows; all he wants is a foot in the door because he has no doubt in his own abilities to get what he ultimately wants – to be the most important person in the room. And he works at that very hard. A Narc just cannot stand to be invisible and unknown. Seeking things that bring glory to God is only a means to the ultimate end of bringing glory to himself. As James Wilder (The Pandora Problem) states, “God designed us to seek glory; the problem is when we steal God’s glory”.

Toxic Shaming

The narcissistic abuser will use scriptures to shame you into obedience; they will declare that you are deficient as a wife and that you are violating the scriptural mandate to obey your husband. Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, obey your husbands as you obey the Lord. The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church people. The church is his body and he saved it. Wives should obey their husbands in “EVERYTHING”  – Yes everything – that includes their perversions, their dishonesty, their fraudulent behavior, their deception, their pathological lying, the immoral choices that they declare are legitimate needs that you are obliged to participate in or look the other way as a dutiful spouse. They will use toxic shame to coerce you into submission. They will attack your sexuality if you do not cooperate (“You are more like a man than like a woman”). They will accuse you of embracing a spirit of poverty if you are not willing to participate in financial improprieties which they will find a way to legitimize even though they are immoral (“I don’t care if you think it is right or wrong; nothing in the law can stop me from doing this”). They will find a way to require you to cooperate with them in EVERYTHING, because it is Biblically mandated, or they will accuse you of clearly not having what it takes to be a good wife. This toxic shaming will be your staple diet every time you stand up to a narcissistic abuser who is a master in the art of spiritual abuse.

He will tell you God wants only the best for him – then he will tell you if you fall short of his expectations you should not be surprised if he doesn’t love you anymore; after all he can always get someone better.  His ability to declare God an ally in his adulterous quest for greener pastures is yet another form of spiritual abuse.

The Solution

If you are not grounded in your own relationship with God, you will begin to feel like even God is on his side. You will find yourself trapped in a toxic environment where degradation, defilement, and humiliation are a daily diet. You will not be able to turn to anyone and tell them what is really going on because nobody will believe you, you cannot fight him because he will wear you down with his accusations, you most certainly cannot let him know the full impact of what he is doing to you – that is exactly where he wants you, broken, defeated, and without hope.

The only way out is – GET OUT! Unless you can match his narcissistic abusive behavior and play his game, he will decimate you. And he will enjoy every minute of it. It is all a game to him; his favorite form of sport. If you have the option to leave, you must. If you think you do not have the option to leave, weigh your options well – calculate the cost of staying.  Ask yourself if you will survive what he is doing to you. Ask yourself if your kids are better off with him or without him. Ask yourself if you are willing to pay the price for leaving him, because you most certainly will. The abuse will continue in what is called post-separation abuse. It includes stalking, threatening, cajoling, more manipulation, financial swindling, accusations of adultery etc. Oddly, while he is doing this to you he will be busy shedding tears and swearing undying love for you and displaying his absolutely shattered heart that still has no idea why you left him.

Remember – the first person a pathological lying narcissistic abuser deceives is himself.  He will “self-talk” himself into believing he was the wronged party and he did EVERYTHING from a place of love for you. You just were ungrateful and left a perfectly good marriage.  

Do not lose sight of who you are in God’s eyes; do not be deceived into believing either you or God conform to his definition of your identity. When you get out, you will wonder why God allowed you to endure such horror. You will wonder why so many people who claimed to love you kept his secrets. You will wonder why so many who know the truth will be trying to bring about reconciliation instead of taking a stance against the abuser. You will wonder if you will survive the nauseating memories of what was done to you on a daily basis.

Life with a pervert will only destroy any morals you have lived by all your life; perversion will be modeled for your children; they will see ill-gotten wealth as an easy means to a comfortable life; they will think violence is an acceptable means toward achieving total control. All of this is the spiritual abuse of you and your children who should have been nurtured in the love of the Lord and the admonishment of His Holy Spirit. Your children should have been taught by a loving father that God deserves the glory in all we do and anything that is deceptive and dishonest should not be entertained.  However, the narcissistic abuser has no moral compass. Sadly, what is being modeled for your children amounts to spiritual abuse of their tender psyche.

Just like in Acts 16 when Paul prayed, the doors of the prison flew open and his shackles came undone, I pray that if you are in such a situation you may pray a bold and mighty prayer for God to release you and your children from this prison. Fear will keep you from acting. Months and years of being told you are nobody and nothing without the narcissistic abuser will keep you from acting with courage and wisdom. I pray that you may find the boldness and courage that comes from knowing that you can look up unto the hills from where your help comes; that the same God who parted the Red Sea to give the Israelites a way out of their oppression, can and will make a way for you. Just do not lose hope. Do not lose sight of who you really are in God’s sight. Do not give up on a promise of hope for the future. For the Word has promised and the Word never lies. NOTHING good can come out of the bad company you keep. Nothing but GOOD can come out of severing all ties with the spawn of Satan. Trust in God’s plan for you.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you.

Jeremiah 29:11-14