Often quoted sayings leave me befuddled: Let go of your grief, wash your face, and get on with your life; lean into your grief; don’t let your grief define or destroy you, etc. What do these mean to a grieving person? Does any of this help or does it hurt? How do I respond?

Truth: nothing and everything is helpful. Nothing and everything is hurtful. It just depends on how I am feeling at the moment.

Some words motivate us to rise up and fight back against our grief, but on the days when we feel weak and defeated, they make us fight against the message itself. The very words that are uttered with the intent of challenging us to step out in strength make us recoil in frustration. We ask ourselves, is something wrong with me because ‘I am not there’ – is this even a realistic expectation? The answer is Yes and No.

We do feel defeated. We do feel like we will never get better. We look at other widows who seem to have it together. Then we meet widows who are so stuck in their grief they have lost any sense of purpose. We wonder – which one am I most like? We look for role models and then we beat ourselves for not meeting expectations. We wonder if we will ever get there.

My experiences tell me there is nothing wrong with you even when everything seems to be wrong with you. All of the sadness, brokenness, hopelessness, and despair is normal. However, there is a danger in making that your new comfort zone. There is a danger in adopting that as your new identity.

Lean into your grief – let it take you on this painful journey. But don’t adopt it as a way of life. Remember, there are twists and turns on this journey. While you lean into your grief, make certain you are still moving forward!

Wash your face and get on with life – yes, you will! But it will be in little steps. Make little decisions each day to be thankful for something in your life despite your pain. A negative attitude puts you on the losing team. You have already lost much. Do not lose the hope for a future!

 Get over your grief – one little battle at a time. Stop and think about your grief behaviors. You may choose to indulge in them because you feel so defeated, you choose the path of least resistance. But, you have to take little steps to resist those behaviors. Do not let your grief define or destroy you!

Certainly, easier said than done…like everything else on this grief journey. Surviving grief is a decision you have to make with your head, despite the crippling pain in your heart. There is no getting over grief but there is the business of getting on with life. The key is to find a balance and work every day to tip the scales in favor of you leading a productive life.

It is no small task to fight these conflicting emotions on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. But FIGHT we must, and WIN we will! 

“Holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.”

Philippians 2:16